What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 11:11
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was very sick at this time too.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What does the stink of the skunk look like? Why would it be dangerous?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im still living with it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Is it possible for doctors to diagnose prostate cancer just by looking at a patient?
I waited trembling.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I will be 64.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She found it foreign!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was scared of men, in general
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Does a person with schizophrenia hear voices?
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
We all went to grammer schools
She was in good health!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
All the time i was locked up.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I said to her
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
I could never make a relationship work though!
She loved him until the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So, i spoilt her more .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it wasn’t much.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Would this be the day?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I don,t even have a pension.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were not on the streets..
He knew the spot.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I write beautiful poetry .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When she asked me how she looked .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Who then, do I blame.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..